Monster ‘Scopes

On December 3, 2010, in Fun Stuff, by lisa

The Flapper Ghost, deep in trance mode.

Hey Baby, What’s Your Paranormal Sign?

Forget Scorpions and Lions and Rams; wouldn’t you rather be a Witch or Werewolf or Vampire? And just who really makes a Vampire’s cold dead heart flutter, anyway? Find out below!

(If you want sincere horoscopes, my favorite site is Free Will Astrology.)

The Flapper Ghost does personality descriptions for Paranormal Astrological Signs, and gives you your Perfect Paranormal Romantic Partner!


If you’re a Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan.19), your Paranormal Sign is: MUMMY!

Mummies have a surprisingly goofy sense of humor and are known to get themselves into giggling fits. They love to eat carbs, love dogs, and love gross stories about body parts. Mummies are flexible in relationships, and when angered have a tendency to be passive-aggressive, but even a Mummy will only flex so far. When a Mummy has been pushed beyond his limit, prepare for drastic consequences. A Mummy without a goal is a rare thing: most Mummies have their gaze firmly set on a result, and will work diligently to achieve it, even if it takes years.

Perfect Paranormal Pairing: Witch

Mummies and Witches are romantically drawn to each other. Witches love that here is someone they can protect, and who will let them be the boss most of the time. Mummies like having someone else take care of the business end of life, and feel safe and loved with a Witch. Trouble occasionally flares when a Witch pushes a Mummy too far, but at heart the Witch likes to have limits set, and will respect the Mummy more after a fight than before.

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If you’re an Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18), your Paranormal Sign is: LOCH NESS MONSTER!

Loch Ness Monsters are voracious consumers of information, and both fascinated by the world and interested in making it a better place. Nessies especially like to know that what they do has a tangible impact; not for them, the life in the cubicle doing nameless work on a faceless product. Their nimble minds allow them to talk to anyone about anything, and they love to explore. Nessies are attuned to the shades of grey in both issues and people, and have an accepting, remarkably calm nature. They are optimistic in their outlook, like most things and people, and feel that they can indeed make a difference in the world if given the chance. For all this general goodwill, Nessies can nevertheless be hard to get close to. They’re elusive creatures, but they don’t mean to be. It’s just their nature.

Perfect Paranormal Pairing: Unicorn

Loch Ness Monsters love the sense of stability a Unicorn brings, and have a deep respect for the Unicorn’s integrity. Unicorns rely on Nessies to broaden their experience of the world, grease the social wheels of life, and be accepting of the Unicorn’s occasional fussy funks. While the Unicorn may work itself into a lather, the calm Nessie rarely lets all that frothing and foaming cause more than a ripple on his loch, for which the Unicorn is grateful.

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If you’re a Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20), your Paranormal Sign is: MERMAID!

Mermaids (or Mermen) really, really don’t like to have their feelings hurt, and have a distressing tendency to hide the hurt so well that it takes a well-attuned person to know that something is wrong. At worst, a Mermaid will drown her sorrows alone, but what she really wants is a hug and to know that she is understood, loved and valued. Give a Mermaid this, and she will be a spirited, fun-loving companion and display a strong intuition that surprises even herself. Mermaids love people, laughter, and trying new things. Novelty delights them, but details and repetition bore them. Many of them like spicy food, particularly Mexican food. Mermaids are nonjudgmental and want the people around them to be happy: calm waters at home are essential to their wellbeing. They don’t have a mean bone in their bodies and can be stunned and confused if someone is angry with them.

Perfect Paranormal Pairing: Elf

Mermaids are soothed and comforted by Elves, one of the few signs with the sensitivity to understand the nature of Mermaids. With an Elf’s emotional support, the Mermaid is at her best and happiest. Elves, meanwhile, are delighted and entertained by the Mermaid’s lively nature, and enjoy the excitement that the Mermaid brings into the Elf’s life with her love of novelty and new experiences.

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If you’re an Aries (March 21-April 19), your Paranormal Sign is: CENTAUR!

Centaurs are people on the move, always seeking out greener pastures in hopes that someday they’ll find one where they want to settle. New territories hold no fear for them, as they have a solid belief in their own ability to handle whatever may come their way. They are honest not out of a sense of virtue, but rather out of seeing no need to protect themselves with subterfuge, and no need to seek gain other than by the work of their own hands. When they do find a place, or career, or relationship that interests them, they will happily pour all their energies and attention into it, and do all in their power to make it a success. You can’t fence in a Centaur, but if you can entice him to stay with the right type of oats, you’ll have a powerful ally.

Perfect Paranormal Pairing: Werewolf

The Werewolf and the Centaur share a sense of adventure and a love of the outdoors. Both are confident, as they’ll need to be in order to handle each other. These two are a continual challenge to each other, even as they are a continual comfort. Neither would have it any other way.

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If you’re a Taurus (April 20-May 20), your Paranormal Sign is: ZOMBIE!

Given their druthers, Zombies would stay home eating good meals of savory foods, and enjoying the swirl of family life around them. They like working with their hands and taking on household projects. They don’t consciously like stress and drama, but somehow seem to draw it to themselves anyway. Zombies like pretty, shiny things and new toys (although they’ll deny it if you ask), and can have a tendency to be pack rats. Their strongest attribute is a tender, loving heart capable of great kindness and loyalty. Their anger is like a weather squall, brief and intense but generally passing by without doing harm. Zombies don’t always know their own minds, being skilled at denial, and are not always good at listening to others. They’re affectionate homebodies, though, and can always be relied on in a crisis.

Perfect Paranormal Pairing: Restless Spirit

Zombies and Spirits both value the home above all else, and nothing helps a relationship succeed like a shared goal. Spirits can be frustrated by the Zombie’s apparent blindness to the Spirit’s moods, but this is actually the great strength of this pairing: the Spirit can moan or scream or shout as much as she wishes, and the Zombie will be largely unperturbed. What the Zombie gets out of the deal is the warm outpouring of affection and adoration of a passionate Spirit.

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If you’re a Gemini (May 21-June 20), your Paranormal Sign is: FAIRY!

Fairies flit and flutter and zip from here to there in their thinking and speech, and have a seemingly endless circle of friends and acquaintances. Their wit enlivens any gathering, they have dozens of hysterical anecdotes to share, and they make people laugh without resorting to cattiness or being crude. Despite all this, internally the Fairy is always wondering whether or not people like him, or think he’s blathering on too long. Fairies have a deep creative streak that often shows itself in unexpected ways, bringing delight to others. The Fairy is at his best when he has an audience for his endeavors, and positive feedback. Without that positive feedback, the Fairy can lose motivation and fall prey to fits of bitterness, and see his life as bleak. The company of others soon rouses the Fairy from his doldrums, however, and he sparkles back to life, bringing smiles to those around him. Fairies also have a peculiar fondness for collecting old things, being intrigued by the imagined past such objects hold.

Perfect Paranormal Pairing: Vampire

The Fairy’s private worries about inadequacy are silenced by the Vampire’s intensely positive regard. Given the Vampire’s tendency towards vicious honesty, the Fairy can rest assured that yes, the Vampire really does love him, because the Vampire isn’t one to fake it. The Vampire sees the Fairy as a magically brilliant social light in her self-imposed dark world, and happily follows this will-o-the-wisp to social gatherings where she can sit quietly and enjoys the Fairy’s show.

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If you’re a Cancer (June 21-July 22), your Paranormal Sign is: RESTLESS SPIRIT!

Restless Spirits are creatures of raw emotion, deeply attached to their homes and loved ones. They are protective of their physical possessions, to which they have great sentimental attachment, and which they like to have displayed all around them. They constantly want to make small improvements to their home, and seek creative ways to express their emotions. Spirits can feel the heights of passion and the depths of despair to an exquisite degree, often both within the same day, and the energies of Spirits can be both exhilarating and exhausting to those around them. An unhappy Spirit can transform into a poltergeist, although by morning the mood will have lifted and the Spirit will be the first to apologize . Spirits crave affection, and are extremely generous is giving it out themselves. The mate of a Spirit may feel that he is living with a whirlwind, but it is a deeply loving whirlwind that truly values its mate.

Perfect Paranormal Pairing: Zombie

Zombies and Spirits both value the home above all else, and nothing helps a relationship succeed like a shared goal. Spirits can be frustrated by the Zombie’s apparent blindness to the Spirit’s moods, but this is actually the great strength of this pairing: the Spirit can moan or scream or shout as much as she wishes, and the Zombie will be largely unperturbed. What the Zombie gets out of the deal is the warm outpouring of affection and adoration of a passionate Spirit.

*

If you’re a Leo (July 23-August 22), your Paranormal Sign is: WITCH!

Witches (or Wizards, depending) can be friend or foe: it’s up to you. Witches want to make life better for the people in their lives, and thrive on offering assistance and acting as a leader in times of difficulty. A Witch’s highest calling is to use all her abilities to help, and all she asks in return is recognition and loyalty. Give this, and she will be your protectress. Ignore or berate her, however, and she will give you a warning to improve your behavior. If you still disappoint her, you will be punished. The Witch at her worst can be a controlling know-it-all, who doesn’t want to let others make their own decisions. Give a Witch her due, and you will not regret it: she is generous, amorous, and wise, and pretty good-looking, too.

Perfect Paranormal Pairing: Mummy

Mummies and Witches are romantically drawn to each other. Witches love that here is someone they can protect, and who will let them be the boss most of the time. Mummies like having someone else take care of the business end of life, and feel safe and loved with a Witch. Trouble occasionally flares when a Witch pushes a Mummy too far, but at heart the Witch likes to have limits set, and will respect the Mummy more after a fight than before.

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If you’re a Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22), your Paranormal Sign is: UNICORN!

Unicorns are perfectionists in all they do and all they hope to be. No detail is too small for their attention, which becomes their curse as they are rarely able to switch off their urge to make things – their work, their dress, their home, their relationships – just a little bit better. They prefer a neat and orderly world, but sometimes are so busy chasing small details that the larger picture becomes a mess. Unicorns have a creative bent that is often best expressed in collaboration with others, often in a managerial role. Their organization and fine aesthetic sense help less-disciplined artists to produce at the highest level. The unicorn’s heart is hard to reach and even more difficult to capture, but once you gain it, it is yours for life. The Unicorn never forgets a loved one, even if it sometimes appears you are far from his mind.

Perfect Paranormal Pairing: Loch Ness Monster

Loch Ness Monsters love the sense of stability a Unicorn brings, and have a deep respect for the Unicorn’s integrity. Unicorns rely on Nessies to broaden their experience of the world, grease the social wheels of life, and be accepting of the Unicorn’s occasional fussy funks. While the Unicorn may work itself into a lather, the Nessie rarely lets all that frothing and foaming cause more than a ripple on his loch.

*

If you’re a Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22), your Paranormal Sign is: ELF!

Elves are deeply interested in their fellow humans and are often willing to lend a listening ear and words of sound advice. Elves are opinionated, but often their opinions are right. The Elf is occasionally intrigued by weird forms of spirituality, but at heart the Elf is a rational creature, and rejects them. This is their great strength: combining a caring heart with a sound sense of reason. Their decisions are just, and expressed diplomatically. Elves have a classic, fairly restrained sense of style that creates a sense of comfort and welcome, be it in their dress or their home furnishings. The Elf adores quality for quality’s sake, and never buys an expensive object purely to impress others. The Elf’s natural grace in any circumstance makes them a valued companion the world over.

Perfect Paranormal Pairing: Mermaid

Mermaids are soothed and comforted by Elves, one of the few signs with the sensitivity to understand the nature of Mermaids. With an Elf’s emotional support, the Mermaid is at her best and happiest. Elves, meanwhile, are delighted and entertained by the Mermaid’s lively nature, and enjoy the excitement that the Mermaid brings into the Elf’s life with her love of novelty and new experiences.

*

If you’re a Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21), your Paranormal Sign is: VAMPIRE!

The Vampire spends a lot of time being alone, and occasionally lonely, but it’s his own doing. He likes it that way. His mind is constantly watching, constantly churning, constantly making plans, and the presence of people can be an unwelcome interruption in his quiet, internal world. But Vampires don’t want to be entirely alone: they seek long and hard for that one person they can love, and who, miraculously, doesn’t annoy them. Vampires hate to be asked their opinion, as they either feel they don’t have enough information (an encyclopedia’s worth) to make a proper assessment, or they have an opinion that they don’t wish to share, as it may come across as too harsh and they’ll have to spend half an hour trying to think of a way to make it sound less abrasive than it really is. Human interactions can be so tiring for a Vampire, it’s no wonder they retreat to solitude and only allow a few chosen ones into their private world.

Perfect Paranormal Pairing: Fairy

The Fairy’s private worries about inadequacy are relieved by the Vampire’s intensely positive regard. Given the Vampire’s tendency towards vicious honesty, the Fairy can rest assured that yes, the Vampire really does love him, because the Vampire isn’t one to fake it. The Vampire sees the Fairy as a magically brilliant social light in her self-imposed dark world, and happily follows this will-o-the-wisp to social gatherings where she can sit quietly and enjoys the Fairy’s show.

*

If you’re a Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21), your Paranormal Sign is: WEREWOLF!

The Werewolf is a puppy at heart, eager and exploratory and loyal. He’s always on the lookout for adventure, and particularly loves nature. At heart, all Werewolves want to be ranchers in Montana, where they can herd horses and cattle and battle grizzly bears while providing for the family pack. Werewolves have an idealistic sense of justice, a flair for the dramatic, and a deep sense of responsibility towards family. They can bite off more than they can chew in that regard, and torture themselves over failing to protect each and every vulnerable creature – human or animal – that they come across. Werewolves can be a bit crass and indelicate, but they have the truest hearts you can find anywhere.

Perfect Paranormal Pairing: Centaur

The Werewolf and the Centaur share a sense of adventure and a love of the outdoors. Both are confident, as they’ll need to be in order to handle each other. These two are a continual challenge to each other, even as they are a continual comfort. Neither would have it any other way.

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